Life as of Late

So yeah... 'member how I said I was going to be posting weight updates but haven't?
Yeah. I lost two pounds, gained three, and stopped checking and stopped caring.
I don't know what's going on with me.  I'm a motivated person. I lost it before.  I've lost all ambition for anything I ever did.  I get spurts of it now and again, but usually during finals week when I have to focus on something else.

While Hazel Grace's lungs may suck at being lungs, my brain sucks at being a brain.

I was diagnosed with depression on Monday.  I don't know how "official" it is, but I had 6 of the 9 characteristics.  You needed 5 to be considered clinically depressed.
It explains a lot - like how I could look forward to a thing for weeks and then the day it comes along, I go back and hide in my dorm.  (This happened with swing dancing club for the entire fall semester).  I spiral into bouts of blaming myself and beating myself up (mentally) for the stupid things I've done/said in my life almost nightly. On Tuesday, I was so tired (I had gotten a normal amount of sleep, about 7 hours, like usual) that even after four glasses of Diet Coke from DS, I still felt like curling back up in bed at 4 o'clock. That's another symptom.  My grades are dropping because I just don't care.  They're not horrendous, but they're not the straight A's I'm used to. Tuesday was so bad I had not one, but two professors ask if I was okay.  I just told them I was tired.  Well, one of them.
I had to tell my voice teacher that my voice hurt.  Because I have no friends, I had to record a multitrack of this choir piece over the weekend.  This means I had to sing all four parts...and I'm an Alto 1.  This means I can definitely sing Alto 2, and Soprano 2 isn't too much of a stretch, but Soprano 1...not happening.  Especially when I wrote in tons of F sharps and A naturals to sing. (Hint: those suck for an alto)  Not to mention that we have Oratorio rehearsals for an hour and a half each day with higher than I'm used to parts, and I'm auditioning for family weekend and doing a lot of singing for that, not to mention my voice lessons. Hint: if it feels like you're singing through a lump in your throat that doesn't go away even when you clear your voice...stop trying to sing.  This started getting bad on Sunday night, and by Tuesday it was really bad. My teacher put me on vocal rest - no singing, minimal talking.

I had to give a 15 minute presentation today.  And practice for it. Several times. I have auditions tomorrow that I have to sing for, and auditions for chapel choir on Friday (more singing).  I can barely talk.  I'm honestly pretending that I'm Elisa, a newer character who takes an oath of silence to save the lives of her brothers, just so that I feel better. (her story is a combination of "The Six Swans" and "The Little Mermaid" by Hans Christian Anderson)

But yeah, that's what's going on with me. I'm going to see a new counselor for anger management and stuff soon...we'll see.