Now, you've seen me obsess about prom several times in the past... I mean, just look at all of these posts. I got the gold tiara I liked so much and a beautiful yellow dress.
See?
It's perfect. Everything's perfect.
So why do all the prom pictures on facebook make me cry? Why does the very thought of prom make me depressed?
I don't have a date.
See, when I started high school and everyone was starting to date, I was fine with not having a boyfriend, as long as I could find a guy who liked me enough to take me to my senior prom, even if it was only as friends. And I didn't worry too much because I had this really good guy friend from church. For privacy reasons, let's call him J. I've known J since 7th grade, and I asked him to go to my high school's semiformal together in 10th grade and he did. He saved me from this creepy senior guy who was trying to be with me even though the aforementioned creepy senior had brought a date with him.
Anyway, that was fun and all, and at the beginning of April at his birthday party, I was kind of scoping out the girls invited to see if he was dating or liked any of them to try and decide if I should ask him to prom, or if he was going to ask me. One of our mutual friends, a girl who I will refer to as A, couldn't make it to the party, but her younger brother could. When A's dad came to pick up A's brother, he wished J a happy birthday, and J wished him a happy birthday as well. Apparently A's dad and J had the same birthday. As A's dad left, J turned to one of his guy friends and told him quietly that "that's the dad of the girl I really like."
I was sitting right there on the couch and heard the whole thing. Then J turned to me and said, "Wouldn't it be weird to have the same birthday as your father-in-law?"
"Yeah, it would," I answered, trying not give away my true feelings.
I mean, it's not a big deal, right? We weren't dating or anything. I didn't have a huge crush on him, just a little one. And I know that J and A are perfect for each other and I'm happy for them. They live closer together, and they've grown up together in homeschool. I'm just the oddball from church. I'm just kicking myself for not seeing it sooner.
Anyway, there goes that. I'm pretty sure that there are no boys that even acknowledge the fact that I exist, and I kept seeing first all these statuses of people asking each other to prom, and now the pictures are coming. Every boy that I even hoped would see me has a date and their pictures are up. I sat here bawling as I looked at them, watching all of my hope fly away. (I also have my period, which is probably contributing to the emotional roller coaster).
None of my friends have dates, and I have a whole group of people I know who are going stag to prom. Why is having a date such a big deal to me? Because I'm a hopeless romantic.
My parents were going to buy me a wrist corsage, and I kind of was hoping that my dad would be able to present it to me and escort me to prom. He's never taken me on those Daddy-daughter dates you hear about, and having him be my escort would be almost as good as having a real date. (that's how desperate I am, guys). But I found out today that he won't even be around to send me off to prom. Yet he spent the entire weekend this weekend doing the daddy-daughter skate in my sister's skating show, just like he has every year.
Just because I'm too fat and clumsy to skate or dance doesn't mean I haven't dreamed of doing one of those daddy-daughter things. It didn't help that the song they skated to was "Cinderella". They skipped the middle verse, but I can't hear the song without thinking of that second verse:
She says he's a nice guy
That I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of the dress
She says, "Dad, the prom is just one week away,
and I need to practice my dancing
Oh please, Daddy, please?"
And then I start bawling.
In other news, I have carpal tunnel syndrome. So that's why my hands have been killing me for the past three years. Finally a doctor who realized that something was wrong with me and there was a reason behind my pain. It sucks, though. Oh, and when I was at the doctors and they weighed me, I found out that I've gained 20 pounds in the past four months. Now I'm 170 pounds and still 4'9". My ideal weight, according to my height, is no more than 110-115. So not only do I have all this other crap, now I feel fat and ugly on top of it all.
Now that I've gotten you all depressed, I'll tell you the good news: I got a scholarship today. It's $500 from the Circles of Claddagh, and Concordia will match up to $400 of that, so I'll end up with $900, which should cover my new computer. Yay!
~Haili
